


family

by MANIAvinyl



Category: Captain America, Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Hulk - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, Bruce Banner & Tony Stark Friendship, Crying, Depression, F/M, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other, Panic Attack, Post-Infinity War, Protective Steve Rogers, Rip lol, Steve Rogers Feels, Suicide mention, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, after the snap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-29 03:28:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16255739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MANIAvinyl/pseuds/MANIAvinyl
Summary: Tony was in the lab when it hit him. When the realization of everything, the heaviness of it all weighed over him like a cloud, he froze as the fear kept spiraling.Because in the nine months since the snap, all they’ve had time for is searching, finding something in anything anywhere, just for a hint on how to bring them all home. Because that was the goal. It’s all they’ve focused on; it’s all they’ve told each other to focus on... and there hadn’t been time to think about anything else.





	family

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so I’ve discovered now that Pepper definitely survived the snap in the canon MCU, but for angst purposes, in this she didn’t

Tony was in the lab when it hit him. When the realization of everything, the heaviness of it all weighed over him like a cloud, he froze as the fear kept spiraling.

Because in the nine months since the snap, all they’ve had time for is searching, finding something in anything anywhere, just for a hint on how to bring them all home. Because that was the goal. It’s all they’ve focused on; it’s all they’ve told each other to focus on... and there hadn’t been time to think about anything else.

But now the shock, and the heavy fog of mass confusion, is starting to clear away, giving room to rationality. 

“Tony? Tony, talk to me.” Banner waved a hand in front of Tony’s face, concerned. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” He forced the words out. “Sorry, gotta split.” He breathed in tightly, and pushed his way through the two heavy metal doors and out of the lab. 

He found himself making his way to the fifty-fourth floor of the tower. The pool level.

He used to come here often, when his brain was getting loud, or when things just didn’t feel okay. There was something about the water, or the lights in the pool, or the glittering reflection of the city in the ripples, that was calming. And he hasn’t felt peace— true peace— in a long, long time, but when he looks at the water, it’s he closest he believes he can get. 

But the fear kept spiraling. And he could feel his chest constricting, limiting the depth in which he could take in air. 

He could hear someone step out of the elevator behind him, and he knew those footsteps without even turning around.

“Go away,” he muttered. 

“Tony.” Steve’s voice was gentle. 

Tony was standing in front of the pool, stiff with fear and doing everything he can to keep himself level. Slowly he pulled himself together, forced his body to take a deep breath, despite all the struggle, and looked up to face him.

“Are you okay?” Steve murmured.

Tony could feel his chest constricting again, the same familiar helplessness, and shut his eyes tight. He felt the need to wring out his hands, like maybe that would help loosen him up. Waves of fear rolled through him, and there was a spark of terror when he realized he actually felt dizzy.

“I’m scared, cap,” he whispered, and it was shaking.

“Take a deep breath.” Steve didn’t move from where he was standing, though. 

“I’m trying,” he muttered, struggling to keep it under control. “What if...” he broke off, heart hammering in his chest. “What if it’s all for nothing?” He swallowed, looking down at his shaking hands helplessly.

“What do you mean, Tony?” Steve only looked sad.

“What if— what if we’re searching for something that isn’t really there? Wh- what if they’re all really just dead?” Tony felt the lump in the back of his throat grow, and words started to get stuck. “What if we’ll never bring them back?”

“Shh...” Steve whispered, eyes drifting from Tony’s sad, scared eyes to his trembling hands to his rapidly rising and falling chest. He wanted so much to embrace him, hold him and tell him that everything will be okay but he knows they aren’t there yet after everything that happened, and besides, he isn’t sure at all if it’ll be okay. 

“I lost everybody,” Tony whispered, and Steve could see the way he did everything to keep emotion out of his empty stare. He was crumbling in front of him. 

“You have me,” Steve offered, quietly. Tony scoffed, but he didn’t say anything back. “You have Rhodey, and Banner, and—“

“Oh, come on.” His voice was shaking.

“Focus on what you have,” Steve pushed.

“No, see, that’s he whole problem.” Tony was trembling. “I need to focus on them. _That’s_ what pushes me forward.”

“Tony...”

“It’s like denial,” he whispered. “It’s like the world doesn’t want to believe that they’re just gone.”

“But you’re afraid they are.”

Tony bit his lip, hating how much it shook, and swallowed around the stone in his throat. 

“I miss her,” Tony said, trembling. “Please, Cap, I miss her.”

“I know.” Steve looked like he was about to step forward, but thought better of it. “I—I know.”

“You miss Bucky?”

“Of course I miss Bucky.”

Tony nodded, and lifted his hands to wipe his cheeks. He pressed the heels of his hands under his eyes and did everything he could to hold himself together. 

Because he could feel it all splintering. He could feel himself start to crack, like ceramic, and pieces were chipping off and he was growing more and more unstable. 

But then the door was pushed open, and a sweaty-looking Bruce stumbled through. He stood, staring blankly at the two.

“Are you guys okay?” he asked, visibly confused. “Wait— why are we up here, again?” His eyes rested on Tony, and his small, trembling, huddled shape. “Oh no.”

“I’m fine,” Tony muttered, running his sleeve under his nose before looking up, defiant.

“You are?” Banner looked from Tony to Steve, then back. “You sure? You want to sit down? I think you—“

“I said I’m fine,” Tony snapped, but Bruce could see the way his chest fluttered, and the tremble in his voice. He knew what was coming.

“You’re not, Tony...”

“It isn’t your problem.” Tony swallowed, leaning against the concrete wall as his chest tightened again. “I—“

“Yeah?” said Bruce, eyes wide and worried. “What is it?” 

Steve stood behind, unsure what to do. He shifted, holding himself back.

“I think I’m freaking out.” Tony breathed in, sharp. “I can’t do this anymore,” he gasped, gripping the concrete wall until his knuckles turned white.

“Can’t do what?” Bruce asked. 

“I don’t know. I don’t—“ Tony faltered, and finally he could feel the tears welling in his eyes, hot and salty. “I don’t know what to do.”

“What do you mean?” Bruce said softly, moving forward. 

“I’m scared that it’s all for nothing.” Tony moved his shoulders, trying to get the blood flowing. He couldn’t panic. Not again. “Like we’re all just in denial.”

“You think they’re not out there.”

“I don’t know what I think.” The tears fell now, finally, and he leaned back, and tilted his head back. “I think I’m losing my mind.”

Tony rubbed his eyes furiously, trying like hell to keep his shaky breathing level. 

It was a strange kind of hopelessness, like nothing he’d ever felt before. It was all too much, and he wanted to call it quits, to give up entirely... but this wasn’t something he could just quit. No, this was real life. It was like running a marathon, and he’s so far away from the end that he can’t even see it, but he’s so, so tired. Each step is draining, but he can’t give up, can’t give in. 

He staggered to the edge of the pool, and crouched. Spikes of fear registered as pain through his chest, firing with every gasping breath. 

But then there was a hand on his back, strong and firm and gentle all at once. He almost leaned into it before he realized who it was.

Steve didn’t say anything. He didn’t tell him it was alright, because they both knew deep down that it wasn’t. 

It was just a presence, some unspoken conversation between the two of them that acknowledged the rift that had grown in their absences, but moved forward nonetheless. 

“You know when you want to give up,” Tony whispered, broken, “But you just can’t? Even when everything is falling down around you?”

Steve only nodded. Because, God, he did. 

“I think the only thing that kept me alive for this long was spite, you know?” Tony whispered, detached.

“That’s okay.”

“It isn’t,” Tony muttered. “I didn’t want to be alive, cap. I’ve never really wanted to be alive, but I couldn’t die. I couldn’t let everyone else win.” He laughed bitterly, just a sharp exhale. “Does that make me crazy?”

“A little bit,” Steve murmured. “But that’s fine.”

Bruce was there, too, on Tony’s other side. His feet dipped into the pool, causing ripples in the water that distorted the reflection of the city lights. 

Tony felt like crying.

“Don’t fight it, Tony,” said Bruce quietly. 

“What?”

“Just... how you’re feeling,” he murmured. “Don’t fight it. Aren’t you tired of fighting?”

Tony smiled then, sad and bitter. “It’s all I’ve ever known,” he said, in a voice so broken and lost that he almost didn’t recognize it himself.

But then he felt Bruce’s arms around him, around his neck, gripping onto his shoulders, solid and comforting. Tony found it funny, how touchy-feely Bruce always seemed to be. So he didn’t push him away, like he would most people.

“You know, you can still feel things without giving up. You’re allowed to feel sad for Peter and Pepper and May—“ 

Tony swallowed, back ground rigid, but Bruce continued. 

“You’re allowed to feel sad for them but in the end, we just have to keep moving forward.”

“I know,” Tony choked out a broken sob, feeling the tears fall again. “I— I know. But I miss them.”

“I know,” said Bruce.

“We were supposed to be a family.” Tony’s voice cracked. “Together.”

“We’ll get them back,” Bruce promised, softly, into Tony’s shoulder. “Just have faith. There’s gotta be a way.”

Tony swallowed, nodding. He brought a hand up to wipe at his eyes. “Okay,” he whispered, hardly over a breath. 

He looked up at their reflections in the glass, the three of them at the edge of the pool. He blinked and he saw Thor behind them, and then Nat, and Clint, and then Rhodey. All of them were there, together, like an unstoppable force. A team once again. 

A family.

He blinked again and the image was gone, but the fleeting feeling of comfort remained, steady and present.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u SO much for reading this it’s been sitting in my notes for months


End file.
